Microsoft and Meta just saved the entire market from what should have been a full-blown panic.

Both tech behemoths crushed their earnings so hard after hours that nobody seems to care that GDP contracted last quarter.

Wall Street's having a schizophrenic moment – celebrating tech billions while ignoring economic decline.

The Earnings Monster

Microsoft reported a massive 16% revenue increase to $65.6 billion – numbers that would make even the most profitable Web3 business blush.

Their net income? Up 11% to $24.7 billion – profits that make most countries jealous.

Azure cloud revenue shot up 22% year-over-year, proving Nadella's AI obsession wasn't just empty buzzwords.

Meta wasn't playing around either – revenue up 16% to $42.3 billion while profit rocketed 35% to $16.6 billion.

The Market Doesn't Make Sense

Microsoft shares exploded 7% after hours.

Meta jumped 5% – slightly less than Microsoft, but still a significant move given the macroeconomic backdrop.

The tech-heavy Nasdaq futures surged 1.3% while the "boring" indices lagged behind.

All this happened right after the S&P 500 briefly dipped into bear territory earlier this month. Make it make sense.

Musk's Tesla Drama

Meanwhile, Tesla dropped 3% on rumors that Elon's getting replaced.

The Wall Street Journal claims that Tesla's board is searching for a new CEO while Musk serves as a government efficiency guru for Trump.

Chair Robyn Denholm quickly denied the allegations, but the damage was already done.

Tesla is already dealing with declining sales, and now "key man risk" has entered the picture.

The GDP Disaster Nobody's Talking About

U.S. GDP shrank 0.3% in Q1 – first contraction since early 2022.

The main culprit? A ridiculous 41% surge in imports as companies stockpiled ahead of Trump's tariff madness.

Consumer spending growth tanked, but economists are calling it a "statistical artifact" rather than a recession.

Indeed, Bear Stearns was considered "fine" in 2008.

Political Chaos Everywhere

April was a complete disaster for markets until these tech earnings saved the day.

The S&P 500 was down 0.8% for the month, and the Dow was down 3.2%.

Only the Nasdaq squeezed out a 0.9% gain.

Trump's tariff announcements sent everyone into a panic, and the market has been swinging wildly ever since.

The Fed's Impossible Position

Traders are betting on a whole percentage point of rate cuts by December.

Powell's trying to stay cautious while Trump creates inflation risks with every new tariff tweet.

The whole "soft landing" narrative is looking shakier by the day.

Yet Big Tech continues to party like it's 1999 – something, somewhere, eventually has to give.

The Two-Speed Economy

Big Tech has proven again that it operates by different rules than everyone else.

Microsoft and Meta are printing money while GDP goes negative and Tesla implodes.

Trading volume was pathetically low, showing most investors are still hiding under their desks.

Bull or bear? The market can't decide whether it's terrified or euphoric, so it's experiencing both emotions simultaneously.